Charlie was my dog. He was a beautiful tan and white beagle and he would have been seven in August.
On June 25 Charlie died. He had lymphoma. My husband and I decided that rather than put him through chemo, we'd euthanise him instead. What an awful decision to have to make, and how it's made me ponder on life, death, faith, regret as well as happiness and love.
It's divested me of any vestiges of a sense I might have had that there is a "higher power", because who would put a wonderful animal like Charlie through cancer? (or anyone for that matter).
It's made me incredibly sad too. Telling my three and a half year old son that his "big brother" Charlie wasn't coming home was truly one of the most painful things I have ever done.
Everything I do around the house reminds me of him. When I open the front door, I always look down in anticipation of the little brown nose poking around the edge of the door and the whole body wag that would greet me and the kids each and every time we returned home.
When the kids have leftovers in their bowls, I have to stop myself from going to scrape them in his bowl. When I drop some food on the floor I wait for the instinctual click of dog claws on lino as Charlie scampered into the kitchen to see what gastronomical delight had fallen into his territory.
The way he would bark and feint resting on his front paws while Baby Chocolate would lunge at him cackling with joy. And the way he would come to my side of the bed on a cold evening and use his nose to flick at the edge of the doona in the hope he could scramble underneath for a cosier night's sleep.
I have also been meditating on how I was very impatient with him at times and yelled at him. What I would do to take back all those angry words I had for him from time to time. He was a great dog, but had a distinct naughty and willful streak, which only made him more lovable.
Even with two crazy little kids screaming around the place, it seems so very quiet without his gentle and quiet presence.
It's also caused me to ruminate on regrets and how I'd like to live a life without them.
Dogs are amazing creatures and if you like them, I highly recommend Dogs Never Lie About Love (sounds crap, but it's a great book). They are pure creatures who express emotion purely, and frankly, we'd be nicer if we were more like them.
As much as I regret Charlie's passing, and god I do, my life is better for having known him.
On June 25 Charlie died. He had lymphoma. My husband and I decided that rather than put him through chemo, we'd euthanise him instead. What an awful decision to have to make, and how it's made me ponder on life, death, faith, regret as well as happiness and love.
It's divested me of any vestiges of a sense I might have had that there is a "higher power", because who would put a wonderful animal like Charlie through cancer? (or anyone for that matter).
It's made me incredibly sad too. Telling my three and a half year old son that his "big brother" Charlie wasn't coming home was truly one of the most painful things I have ever done.
Everything I do around the house reminds me of him. When I open the front door, I always look down in anticipation of the little brown nose poking around the edge of the door and the whole body wag that would greet me and the kids each and every time we returned home.
When the kids have leftovers in their bowls, I have to stop myself from going to scrape them in his bowl. When I drop some food on the floor I wait for the instinctual click of dog claws on lino as Charlie scampered into the kitchen to see what gastronomical delight had fallen into his territory.
The way he would bark and feint resting on his front paws while Baby Chocolate would lunge at him cackling with joy. And the way he would come to my side of the bed on a cold evening and use his nose to flick at the edge of the doona in the hope he could scramble underneath for a cosier night's sleep.
I have also been meditating on how I was very impatient with him at times and yelled at him. What I would do to take back all those angry words I had for him from time to time. He was a great dog, but had a distinct naughty and willful streak, which only made him more lovable.
Even with two crazy little kids screaming around the place, it seems so very quiet without his gentle and quiet presence.
It's also caused me to ruminate on regrets and how I'd like to live a life without them.
Dogs are amazing creatures and if you like them, I highly recommend Dogs Never Lie About Love (sounds crap, but it's a great book). They are pure creatures who express emotion purely, and frankly, we'd be nicer if we were more like them.
As much as I regret Charlie's passing, and god I do, my life is better for having known him.
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